Jamie Catto, 33, musician/film maker

The first thing is contractions in the chest and the solar plexus, followed by a growing pressure in the throat, trembling and a racing heart. Then comes galloping paranoia, vomiting and diarrhea with my nose and eyes streaming - in fact every orifice of my body is pushing out liquid. I start smelling completely different because there’s a strong hormone released. A friend used to say “now I know what hell smells like.”

I run up to bed and shout “NO” and then fall into bed into a deep sleep. It usually lasts a few hours but sometimes I fall asleep for days. The longest it’s lasted has been a week; towards the end of that week I thought about killing myself.

I first experienced a panic attack on a very bad acid trip: everyone has that door in them which will gust open with the wind of emotional distress. Every time I’ve taken a class A drug I’m down that slippery slope to hell.

It’s also brought on by a mix of exhaustion and emotional stress. I might have come back from a trip, be jet lagged, my daughter might be staying or I’ve had an argument with my girlfriend. Any combination of those factors will freeze me.

The experience of panic attacks is one of isolation and abandonment so when someone, particularly a woman, is tender and loving it really makes a difference. People are usually very sympathetic. For me it has something to do with not being able to cry. I’ve always wanted to cry but find it difficult. The panic attack is like a release of those tears, the only way I can outlet these feelings.

I also suffer from Trichotillomania (eating hair) which is stress-related and comes with tons of stigma. If I’ve been on a bad eating hair binge I’ll have two massive patches in my beard and a great feeling of shame about them. You feel everyone knows and everyone is looking. If I look at footage and see a shot of me between takes pulling at my hair I’m mortified. Being seen doing it is the worst admission of weakness.

My mum would say “stop picking like a little monkey all the time”. I was a big disappointment to my mother. She wanted a girl and found it difficult to hug or touch me. Trouble was I reminded her of my dad.

FACT: More than one in ten people is likely to have an anxiety disorder at some stage in their life. (The Welcome Trust, 1997)

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